This was the title of the Christmas cantata at our church this year. The words of the song and the drama that went along with it during the cantata were a powerful reminder for me of what Mary went through that very first Christmas. Tiny baby Jesus changed the world thousands of years ago. He continues to change my heart every day, and this year we had our own baby boy who changed our lives.
I have always been a planner and some would probably say that I am a little bit too "type A." I like things to be organized, I like to know what to expect, and I like to feel in control. While I think these can be good qualities, they also cause me to struggle daily. I am far from perfect, and the Lord is teaching me more and more to TRUST HIM, and I have never felt the need to trust Him more than I have this year.
It started when I found out I was pregnant. We were extremely excited but I was also scared and nervous. I worried whether or not I would be able to balance being a mom with working and taking classes for graduate school. I was worried about preparing for a long-term sub in the middle of the year. My "plan" was to have a baby in March and take the rest of the year off (as if I can control that--what was I thinking???), but it turns out that November is a great time to have a baby because I have my 12 weeks of maternity leave plus the 2 weeks of Christmas break which has given me lots of time to spend with Evans. My principal at school always says "If you want to make God laugh, tell him you have a plan." If that is true, God has gotten quite the laughs from me this year! :) Luckily, I am married to a man who worries about very little so he balances me out--ha! :)
I prayed for God to take my anxiety away and to give us a healthy pregnancy. As my due date drew closer, I became very anxious about the delivery. I kept having visions of my water breaking at school, which I did not want to happen! I REALLY love my OB, and I wanted her to deliver Evans rather than whoever was on call. Matt kept saying, "Katie, you cannot control this...just trust that it will all work out." I knew that I couldn't control it if he were to come early or something, but in my crazy way of thinking, I wanted to have a "plan" in place. I told my doctor that I did not want to be in the hospital on Thanksgiving (my due date was the day before Thanksgiving) and so she scheduled me for an induction on November 17. Of course, things didn't go exactly according to plan...I had a couple of scares with some uknown pain that they thought could have been preeclampsia, HELP or gal bladder trouble, and there was talk of having to deliver early. Luckily, all of those tests were normal and I made it to November 17. It was the best day...I was so relaxed because I knew what was going to happen and was prepared and my delivery was very easy. And of course I was thrilled that things had gone according to "my plan." We were blessed with such a sweet baby boy--a good eater and sleeper--life was perfect.
Then came our first trip to the Children's Hospital...November 22-26. Funny how I was determined not to be at the hospital on Thanksgiving and we ended up there anyway. I would have much rather been there delivering a baby than watching my week old baby in pain. A baby changes everything...instead of worrying about Thanksgiving plans (I was determined that we were still going to Greenville even if I had just had a baby a week ago) or going shopping on Black Friday at 5 am, this year we were blessed with the stillness and quiet of a hospital room to remind us how lucky we are. So many people don't have anyone to spend Thanksgiving with or food to eat, but we had each other and we did have our turkey, even if it was in the hospital.
Next, our second trip to the Children's Hospital...December 22 & 23. I had taken Evans to the doctor on December 21 because he had a rash on his face--we got some lotion for it but it seemed like nothing to worry about it. The next morning, his face was completely red and swollen, and he could hardly open his eyes. I had a doctor's appointment for myself, so Matt took him back to the pediatrician, thinking we would just switch treatments. Matt called me while I was at the doctor to tell me they were admitting him to the Children's Hospital, and my world fell apart again. I am so glad my mom happened to be at the doctor with me...what a God thing that was!
My first reaction when we had to go back to the hospital with Evans was a mix of anger and heartache. I was crying out to God saying, "First you took Thanksgiving from us, and now it is 3 days before Christmas. Are you going to take his first Christmas, too?" But, a baby changes everything...when we were at the hospital I was immediately convicted of how selfish I was being. So many children are there indefinitely with chronic illnesses. Retired marines came around to deliver presents and brought a stuffed animal in to Evans. That broke my heart because I knew there were children there who weren't going to be able to open presents as they normally would on Christmas morning. We were so excited that we only had to stay one night this time and got to come home the day before Christmas eve. Again, a baby changes everything...I had not wrapped the first present, we had a party that night and spending all day at Matt's parents' on Christmas eve and then going to Greenville. I still had to pack, so I gave up worrying what the wrapping looked like, and Matt actually wrapped all of our gifts!
I am so, so thankful for the blessing of our baby boy this year. I am even more thankful that he has made it out of the hospital healthy twice now. As hard as it was to be there at the time, I am even grateful for those visits because of the way they changed my perspective on things. I have always been very independent, but this taught me to be dependent on Matt, my parents, family, and most importantly my relationship with the Lord. I am also continuing to learn to "let go and let God." A baby changes everything...and God is using this baby to change ME.
